Thoughts
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Pieces Of Me by Ashlee Simpson
Topic: Thoughts and Feelings
Monday, January 30th, 2006
5:27 am Thoughts--my myspace.com blog
Monday, January 30, 2006

Thoughts
Current mood: depressed
Category: Blogging


I was just laying here in my bed thinking about my life and I have realized one thing: I have never, once, made a decision based on wheither it would make me happy or not. I mean I always have some other basis on my decision making and it's never my happiness. And when it comes to my happiness I always find someone or something that makes me happy but then it's torn away from me. Those who know me know about my ex bf and my best friend Chris. Well he made me happier than I have ever been in my life. He made me feel alive and loved and cherished and needed. He inspired me to start changing who i am for the better. When i was with him i loved who i was because i got to be the person I knew and loved; I got to be me the person i was meant to be. Not the person everyone else sees. And now I have lost him i feel like that person i was with him has been ripped from my grasp and i cannot retrieve who i was then. it's like i am not meant to be me without him, the person who completes me in everyway. My soul mate. It's like I am not meant to be happy with anyone else but him and i can't let go of that overwhemling sense of lonliness i feel when i think of him. now though instead of being happy when i think of him i feel hallow empty hurt angry sad betrayed all at once. I am a romantic a hard core down to my core and when i love someone so completely as i love him if he tells me it's forever i expect it to be. not just 5 months then him telling me to move on he's found someone else. That slammed into me like a brick wall hitting ME with full force; my heart just shattered and i felt dead inside. I mean i have been in love before but not like this. I mean it's like heart and soul consuming love and it's totally enveloped me. I just don't know what to do. I am not used to feeling this much about just one person. I guess i never let myself get this vulnerable this open and now that I am i feel like a basket case constantly on the verge of tears. It's crazy. I mean I am an emotional person but this is nuts. I am supposed to be over thim. but i guess i'm not. i don't know if i ever will be. it scares me that i need someone this much. it's always been me against the world. and now i have finally fallen in love with someone and I am destined to be just friends with him. i guess i always knew it from the start. everything was just too perfect i was happy with a loving caring faithful guy who loved me for me not who he thought i should be and things were perfect between us. i should have known not to get so close or too happy but the confidence i had with him that feeling of everlasting security i had so much faith in him and in us it blinded me to reality: real love, no matter how pure and true just isn't in my future. i am meant to be alone and i have to accept that. and adapt. accept and adapt; something i have gotten good at the last few years. i accepted and adapted to my adoption my parents divorce my ex beating on me now I'll have to accept and adapt to this. there's just no future for me and chris and i don't want anyone else. so i guess i'll be alone and celibate. without love, without marriage, without kids and without chris. it hurts too much to miss him so in order for me to be happy i just have to forget all about him and our love . . . oh god on earth and in heaven how do i do that . . .

Current Mood: just needed to get it all out
Current Music: Pieces Of Me by Ashlee Simpson